Just being honest…as usual


Today is one of those days.

A day that requires only full honesty and rawness.

Today is the one year anniversary of my dad’s death.

Most people would be sad that their dad has passed away.  Many people would have warm and fond memories of their dad going to their events at school.  Many may have had their dad to walk them down the isle or attend their wedding.

Not me.  Far from that.

What am I supposed to feel today?


No.  Not me.

It may seem cold to you to read this.  But at the same time, I am the only Karen who has walked this pathway.

So today I am just processing for my own good.

To me, my father has been dead for the majority life.  Not physically dead…but in every other aspect.

My dad was my abuser as told about in my Celebrate Recovery Testimony.
Click HERE to read my testimony story

My relationship with my dad was never the feel-good type.  Never the nurturing protective kind.

When my parents divorced at 15 1/2 all communications were closed.

I saw him once at my brother’s wedding.  But that was all.

Until I was about 30 years old and had my first child and God had to do some mending.  Mainly in my heart.  It had nothing to do with my dad.  It was a Karen issue.

I was able to fully forgive my dad and spend four Christmas visits with him and his 5th wife.  Nice visits….but just visits.  A few hours.  Done.

It wasn’t until my dad was on his death bed that I was able to fully see him as a broken man verses my monster.  It was healing but hard to see.

I then attended his funeral (which as you know from reading my testimony story was shocking and only Jesus).

Now a year later I am still just processing.  Not forgiveness.  Just processing the realities of the life my dad lived.  His choices.

He still hasn’t been buried.  I am angry and aloof all at the same time.

I am angry that he wasn’t buried (only cremated).  He was to have been buried immediately following cremation.  Yet his 5th wife still has them at her home.

I am aloof because honestly I don’t care.  I wouldn’t go hours away to visit the grave anyway.  We just didn’t have that relationship even here on earth.

There are moments of deep sadness for what should have been.  What could have been.  And yet never was.

So, what did I do today?

Well, I obviously didn’t visit his grave.  And I didn’t visit his now widowed wife.

I took my son to Tim Horton’s and spent some quality date time with him.  He’s nearly 6 years old.  I told him we were celebrating the one year anniversary of grandpa’s death.  At the end, after we ate and walked to the car, my son said aloud “Thanks Grandpa”.  I about cried.  It was special.  And it was heartwarming.

Today is special reminder that I owe it to my son to be there not only physically but emotionally and spiritually.

Something I never got.

Bitter or better?


Sure, a bit bitter over what I missed out on.  Yet forgiving.

But better, you bet.

You and I choose how we treat and love those around us.  And we also choose how we are treated and loved by those around us.

Abuse is abuse.  Harm is harm.

So, I am not suggesting that we live in active abuse for the sake of being together.

But I am making daily choices that write a new story in the life of my children and my husband.

Being a wife and a mom means a whole lot of surrender and a whole lot of selflessness.

So, am I doing well today?

I would say I am choosing well today.

Choosing to be raw and real with my story.
Choosing to be raw and real with my emotions.
Choosing to give my family different than what I was given.

So, there is my Christian Mommy realness.

I need Jesus.

And I am ever so glad for the reminder that I do have a GOOD GOOD FATHER who loves me and has been everything that an earthly father was never meant to be in the first place.

A must listen (YouTube) video of the song Good Good Father. Click Here!

And, I do look forward to seeing my earthly father in heaven one day….as he is found worshiping his own Father God.  What a day that will be!  I am so thankful for the grace, mercy, and forgiveness of God through Jesus Christ!  Years of decay and abuse now end in sweet reconciliation as we (my dad and I) worship our Father God side by side together.

So there it is.  My truest thoughts.

I am going to go and listen to Good Good Father right now.  How about you?

Much Love!

Beauty 4 Ashes 24/7 YouTube Channel! Click Here!


Updated: My Celebrate Recovery Testimony (Story)


My Celebrate Recovery Testimony
– Updated 6/6/2018

Hi. I’m Karen. A very grateful believer in Jesus who has been dramatically changed because of a program called Celebrate Recovery.

Before hearing of Celebrate Recovery, I was a mess. A mess primarily on the inside. On the outside I appeared to be a strong Christian woman who served as a leader and as a pastor. I wore a fake smile and hated myself all at the same time. I was the self-righteous type. A Pharisee of all Pharisees. Pretending I had everything together when in fact my world had fallen apart. I was a good kid, got good grades, and lived a pure lifestyle. But miserable. And it all started when I was just a small little Karen.

I was a church kid my whole life. I always knew the Trinity and knew all the Bible Stories. I never moved from my childhood home until I got married. I didn’t go to college. I went straight to work after I graduated High School.

While living in this same house, I was abused by my father in so many ways. My childhood was not ideal. It was down-right dysfunctional. Years of emotional, verbal, and sexual abuse wore me down to nothingness. I only knew my dad as manipulative, secretive, scary, and controlling. My mom on the other hand was very submissive. Her submission created an environment of “do whatever it takes to make dad happy.”

I grew up very fearful of this man. I was afraid from the moment I fell asleep til the moment I woke up in the morning. He was my monster. Not the typical closet-monster that most kids have. The fear of my dad was physical, emotional, and psychological.

From a very young age until I was 15 I recall being fondled by him on a regular basis and naptimes with him were a requirement. I would lay there motionless hoping it would end faster. I would mentally “check-out”.

I never spoke of this abuse to anyone. I was too afraid of my dad to ask for help. At the same time, I desired my dad’s attention. I would watch sports with him and cheered on his favorite teams in order to gain his affection. Anything to make him happy and not the angry monster he typically was. So I learned to be the “good child” and to do everything perfectly. This created my roots of perfectionism and co-dependency.

I ran to food as my lord for comfort as a way to cope from abuse. Food made me feel good. Food made my heart “ache” less. Food was my escape. Over time my love for food got twisted when I was mocked for hiding food and gaining weight. One example of this is when I was a very young child, maybe 7 years old, I recall hording an entire bag of miniature chocolates. My brother found them and mocked me endlessly about it and about my weight. So I began to obsess about my weight. At times I would starve myself and diet in very unhealthful ways. I would even use spiritual “fasting” to cover up my anorexia thoughts. Food consumed my thoughts 24/7. Obsessed to want to eat and binge; obsessed to starve to lose weight. A vicious cycle full of shame.

I recall one time in my life planning to kill him and then to kill myself. I was around 10 years old. I was miserable and wanted life to end.

My parents divorced when I was 15 ½. That was a good decision but very traumatic as well. On one visitation with my dad the week after my parents’ divorce, he asked that I call his new girlfriend “mom”. From that moment onward I refused to talk to my dad or see my dad. I had enough. He continued to marry other women and I didn’t care. I moved on with my life but I grew in my bitterness towards him.

Learning that my father hid a prior marriage before my mom and then watching him marry three more times after divorcing my mom lead me to believe that women were simply tools and replaceable at any moment’s notice.

Years went by of not talking with my dad. Of harboring emotional cancer inside of me that grew by each year. And my eating followed suit.

When I was about 14 years old, while sitting in Sunday School, our teacher asked as simple question to all of us “awkward” students…. “How many of you are praying for your future spouse?”  No one raised the hand.  We were all red-faced.  Yep.  Awkward.  When I went home, from that day onward, I prayed daily for my future spouse.  I prayed for God’s blessing, protection, and spiritual leadership over my husband.  I also shortly began praying for future children.  God very clearly promised me a son, to be named Christian, and a daughter to be named Hope.  I am still amazed by His clarity at such a young age.

I prayed so specifically for a boyfriend and my future husband because I didn’t want to waste time with any jerks who were like my dad. I wanted a good and sustaining marriage. So I took my time. I wanted a man who loved God more than he loved me. And I wanted a man who was stronger than me spiritually to lead our home.  Having a future Godly family mattered to me.

At the age of 25 I finally got my first boyfriend and married him just 7 months later. We had been friends in our church’s singles group. His name is Dinesh and he is from India. He came to Ohio for a job and because of his Christian upbringing he found our church online and began coming. By God’s grace I was able to remain pure in my lifestyle. I prayed very specific things about my husband and now looking back, I see it was God who placed those specifics in my heart to pray for. When I realized these prayers matched Dinesh’s prayers, and that Dinesh’s prayers matched mine, we both knew we had the greenlight from God to go ahead with the marriage. So, on our first date we both knew we were to be married. And we have been newlyweds ever since. We just celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary this last Valentine’s Day.

Just one month after our wedding, I became a youth pastor at our church. I loved being a youth pastor, as teenagers were always so precious to me. Mainly because of my traumatic life especially around those teen years. I get teenagers. I understand them. I actually like teens. They are blunt and I prefer that honesty.

Then after marriage to my God-send of a husband we survived 4 miscarriages.

We had two miscarriages. We then had our son, Christian, who is now five years old. And then we had two more miscarriages.

The first miscarriage in 2010 came and went and I thought it was normal for a woman to experience one miscarriage and I wrote it off. Never truly acknowledging what had happened.

The second miscarriage also in 2010 came and I was surprised wondering why I had a second miscarriage. But again I wrote it off and never grieved this loss.

Always holding onto the promise of a son, to be named Christian and a daughter, to be named Hope….I began to question God.

We then got pregnant with our son, Christian Gracen, in 2012. I had peace but didn’t fully enjoy the pregnancy in fear of another miscarriage. By God’s grace and by God’s plan for Christian, he went full term and is healthy to this day. I did have an emergency c-section with him. I also suffered post-partum depression after his birth.

God promised.  God fulfilled.

Now I was just waiting for my daughter, Hope.

The third miscarriage in 2013 was more traumatic than the first or the second, because I realized I had a problem. It wasn’t so “normal” to have three miscarriages. However, once again, I was quick to move on since I had a son already. I never processed this grieving either.

The fourth miscarriage in 2014 sent me into a cycle of breakdowns, emotional depression, and psychological oppression. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I was suicidal. I was done with God. I was done with church. I was done with life. After all, I was replaceable, right? All women are replaceable tools, right?

Each time I went to the doctor for a pregnancy I honestly thought the prior babies were still in there hiding. I was in full blown denial about their deaths. After the fourth miscarriage and breakdown my husband had to tell me, “Karen, the babies are dead. Live for us. Me and Christian.” That hit me like a load of bricks. Truth finally sunk in. The babies ARE all dead and they are not living inside me. This realization began a huge work of grieving all four losses at once. I wanted to die. I wanted to be with my babies in heaven so much. I missed them terribly. But, I had to choose life. And to live for my husband and my living son. At this point I didn’t understand the value of my life yet.

I questioned the promise of my daughter, Hope.  Where was she, God?  Where is the promise?

I was  holding onto a “promise” rather than holding onto the Giver of promises.  Hoping for “Hope” became an idol…and obsession.  Which ultimately led me to the point of breakdown.  Where is God?   I not only grieved these multiple miscarriages, but I also grieved the lack of fulfillment of a promise.

Through wise council and counseling, I then chose to name all four babies and make them small caskets out of tiny boxes with letters written in them. This was my way of finally letting them go.

The first child we named David Judah.
The second child: Kimberly Faith.
Our third child: Christian Gracen.
The fourth child we named Silas Timothy.
The fifth child we named Esther Selah.

I then decided that I was not physically, mentally, socially, or spiritually able to give to others. I needed to care for myself. Not to mention I was inwardly angry at God. So, I retired from youth ministry after 6 years of pastoring. I am glad that I did. I needed Sabbath in my soul to rest and heal.

We then we through many years of infertility seeking methods to try to get pregnant. Nothing producing results. This shook our world. Why would God not bless us? We served faithfully for years. We fasted. We prayed. We gave. We…We…We…

Two major cycles…..food obsession and grieving. Both needed desperate healing by the Father. Wrong thinking about myself had to surrender to the truth of how God sees me.

I started attending a new women’s bible study and was able to speak freely of my heart pain with the miscarriages. I met some great friends there but knew that I needed more and I needed deeper friendships.

I then heard about Celebrate Recovery through one of our staff pastors. I was meeting with this church staff pastor along with a friend that I had been encouraging to seek out help for her life’s challenges. Never ever dreaming that I would need this “Celebrate Recovery” for myself.

When I first heard the words “Celebrate Recovery” I immediately thought it was not for me. I assumed, wrongly, that it was only for people with severe addictions mainly to drugs and alcohol much like AA. After all, I was fine. I was a strong Christian lady who served the Lord. WRONG! Boy was I wrong….and for that I am extremely glad!

So I went. I showed up at Celebrate Recovery in February of 2017. From day one I was smacked across the face with truth that I was in fact, NOT O.K. And that it’s O.K. to not be “O.K.”

I went to all these meetings each week noticing that things both small and large began to change inside of me. This was working!

Through Celebrate Recovery I learned that I need a tribe. A team. A sisterhood. I need same-gender people who I can trust with the rawest version of myself. I needed to get out of denial from my hurts both as a child and as a grown adult. I needed to understand that I can be loved even in my brokenness.

I deeply craved “real friendships” and through the sisterhood of Celebrate Recovery I found just that.

I learned how deeply I was loved by God. I learned that I could fall in love with Jesus and fall out of love with religion all at the same time. I had lived such a “perfect” Christian life on paper. Yet something was missing. I was striving for God’s love just as I was striving for my earthly father’s love. I learned that having a relationship with Jesus was far more than going to church, tithing, going on missions trips, serving in the church, or even being a pastor. Not that those things are wrong. My understanding of the “why” behind “the what” was wrong. I learned that I was loved by God as a human-being and not just as a human-doing.

Only a couple months into Celebrate Recovery I discovered that the cloud of grief (much like Eeyore in Winnie the Pooh) had lifted and disappeared. I was now on a journey of joy and peace!

I love the verses in Isaiah 61 which read: “He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners….to comfort all who mourn and provide for those who grieve….to give them beauty for ashes and the oil of joy instead of mourning and a garment of praise for the spirit of despair.”

Jesus wanted to heal me of my brokenness. He wanted to set me free from my own emotional prisons. He wanted to comfort me and to give me joy. I simply had to give him access and open the door to the process. And for me, Celebrate Recovery was that door.

I then began to focus primarily on my food obsession in Celebrate Recovery now that the grieving process had been closed. It was still a daily struggle.

About four or five years ago I was able to forgive my dad and have Christmas visits with him and his wife. Those were challenging meetings yet I had peace. I still had harbored hurts but at least I was able to see him as a broken man verses my monster. He was very obese growing up. His own obsession with food led him to a life of extreme morbid obesity. His body began to fail more and more. His body was shutting down and he became bed-ridden for a year. No getting out of bed for any reason.

In June of 2017, (just four months into the Celebrate Recovery process) my dad’s health immediately failed fast. I had one week of him being in the hospital to spend by his side daily before he passed away on June 26th. I then helped plan and attended the funeral. . This may not sound like much, however, to me I had confessed my whole life that “If the man died, I would not attend his funeral.” To think I went to his funeral, let alone planned his funeral and was at his bedside everyday at the hospital. That’s Jesus.

God had me in the right place with the tools and support team to cope. Now in Celebrate Recovery, I was able to more fully forgive him and extend him the grace of Jesus on his last few days on earth and even now since his passing. My life has been completely changed! This was truly the work of Jesus in me! Writing out all of my wounds and hurts was therapeutic but very painful.

Even after his death, I never grieved his loss in a negative way. I was able to grieve with Jesus right with me the whole step of the way. It was healthy and it was complete.

Then around the end of August I confessed my wounds and sins to a trustworthy Sponsor. Nearly immediately after this confession, the addiction to food broke. I never thought that I could be free of grief nor of food control. But Jesus did it! He set me free! I never realized before Celebrate Recovery that there had been a connection between my food control and my past. I no longer needed my blankie….my food comfort.

What a transformation! I had lost 22 pounds from August to January and I am still eating healthy and have a restored and healthy body image of myself. I plan to have an ongoing healthy lifestyle and look forward to the outward changes just as much as my inside changes have been. I attribute this weight-loss mainly to the emotional weight that I had been carrying around. It had to go. And when the emotional weight was gone, so followed the physical weight.

And then it happened. I discovered on November 16, 2017 that we were pregnant again! Now my 6th pregnancy!

We had stopped all fertility treatments months before and simply surrendered it all to Jesus. What a wonderful shock this was. We never even thought we could actually get pregnant again! We decided this time around to celebrate the life that God had allowed us to receive right away. We told our friends and family members. What a joyful celebration that was!

And then “it” happened for the 5th time. Another miscarriage. I had immediately worried if I would go back to my old patterns of suicidal thoughts and breakdowns. That I would again get mad at God and reject His intimacy and closeness with me.

This is when I knew that Celebrate Recovery was the real deal. I used my tools taught in recovery and reached out to my team. I asked for prayers. And I released control and just rested. I cried and let out all of the hurts. In the past I would have stuffed those feelings and went about with a happy face mask on. I would have returned to denial. But I didn’t. I faced them head on with a full team of support around me. They flooded me with love and prayers.

This Child #6 we named: Mercy Joy

I did not one time return to old patterns and I actually was able to experience the fruit of the Spirit while grieving the loss of our 6th pregnancy. I had love for God, for others, and for myself. I had joy. I had peace. I had patience. I had kindness. I had gentleness. I had faithfulness. I had goodness. I had self-control over my emotions and reactions. All this while grieving.

And I knew that I was finally grieving God’s way. And this was healthy and freeing. Never once gaining weight or returning to unhealthy eating habits or body image issues.

We are at peace yet again with whatever lies ahead. Not taking back control from God’s hands. We are simply sitting back and resting in Him.

I am now free of the two negative cycles in my life. Grief and Food Control. And also a third, as I found freedom from unforgiveness by fully and completely forgiving my dad. And today I am speechless. Shocked and in awe of Jesus.

My relationship with God changed dramatically. I was no longer angry with him for my childhood nor for my multiple pregnancy losses and infertility. I was loved by God and that love wrecked my life in a good way. And my relationship with Jesus is exciting and I can’t help but to be His daughter and stretching out my arms to Him to be loved on by Him. Religion verses relationship are two very different things. I am glad to be free from a religious relationship with the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

My relationship with others dramatically changed as well. I began to love others with the love of Jesus because I knew His love for me. The sense of Pharisee-like judgement and condemnation I carried for others had left and what remained was the fruit of the Spirit (Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-Control).

Lastly the love I had for myself improved. I am learning to love and like myself now. I am learning that I am irreplaceable and not a tool. That I am loved just as I am. And that Jesus likes me.

I have learned to rely on my team and my tribe to help with along my journey. I have learned to reach out for prayer and support. To no longer be an island.

Today I stand free. Head up. Shame of who I was, now gone. Guilt of what I had done, now gone.

She whom the Son sets free is… FREE INDEED!

Oh, and one last thing…..we are again pregnant. Now already 6 months pregnant. A healthy baby with a very strong heartbeat for Jesus!

And it’s a…..GIRL.

That’s right.  Miss Hope is growing inside of me.  She is strong.  She is full of energy and power.  She is a promise of God.  I cannot wait to see her life lived for Christ.

“He who promised is Faithful.”  Hebrews 10:23

My name is Karen. I am a grateful believer who has been healed from grief, food control and unforgiveness. I have a heart to help women who have experienced miscarriage and infertility to find hope again through YouTube Videos (My YouTube Channel Link) and Word Press Blogs. I will continue to unpack the next layers God will show me with the tools and accountability partners I’ve found through Celebrate Recovery.

Thank you for letting me share ♡

Jesus was not “in” the ministry

jesus ministering.jpg

I was sitting around one day and it hit me.

Jesus was not “in” the ministry.

Sure, I had been “in” the ministry.

The ministries I was “in”:
-Junior High Sunday School Leadership
-Drama Ministry Leader
-Hispanic Ministry Leader
-Worship Team Member
-Youth Leader
-Youth Pastor

But, all the while of me being “in” the ministry, it went to my head.  Growing up, in many churches, the idea of being a 1) Pastor 2) Missionary or 3) Evangelist creates a sense of “arrival” spiritually.

I made it.  I was finally “in”.

Did I serve well?  Yes
Did I serve with full heart?  Yes
Did I minister to others?  Yes
Was I full of myself?  Yes

I then took a Sabbatical season of rest after my 4th miscarriage.  I needed to rest.  I needed to minister to myself.  My soul was badly beaten.

Now, still in a sabbath season from being “in the ministry”, I had an epiphany.

Jesus was never “in” the ministry.

Jesus was never appointed as a leader in the synagogue.  Jesus was never the head leader of the serving team at the local homeless shelter.  Jesus was never draped in Pharisaical attire.

Jesus simply……ministered.

So, while Jesus was never “in”…He simply “was”.

His character, His very being, His heartbeat, His motives were all about ministering to others without having the “title” or the attitude of arrival.

Everywhere Jesus went He ministered.  Even those times when He went to get away to pray by Himself to the Father, He still was interrupted by the “need” of others.  Even while ministering to a person, He was being beaconed to minister to another.  No rest from ministering.

He ATE (even after his resurrection), SLEPT (on a boat), and BREATHED (His final breathe on the cross) while ministering.

For those of you who are in ministry, are you consumed by the “in”?  Are you forming pride in your heart each time you’re up at the stage, leading that department, etc…?  Is there a bit of you that loves the attention and the affection of the people?  Do you find yourself a bit pompous by your title?

For those of you who are NOT “in” the ministry, do you find yourself feeling less than?  Unqualified?  Jealous?  Bitter towards your leadership team?  Comparing your thoughts and opinions against those of your leaders?  Do you feel lost and useless?

Either way, those are both wrongful ways of thinking and living.

We need to have the mindset of Christ Jesus.

We are not to be “in” but rather to simply “be” ministers.  All the time.  Everywhere we go.

While I may not be “in” in the ministry anymore, I feel free-er.  I feel free to serve and to minister at all times…without Mrs. Pride creeping in.  I no longer judge what my Pastors or Leaders are doing or how they are serving.  No more comparison or competition.

I now feel part of a BIGGER TEAM.  The Body of Christ.

Have open eyes to see those in need today.
Have open arms to embrace those in need today.
Have open lips to share the love of Jesus today.
Have open ears to hear those in need today.

Be aware.
Take notice.

I can promise you this….  Jesus is.

Let’s go love some people today with the Love, Grace, and Acceptance of Jesus.

Oh, any by the way, this is no rebuke or slam against anyone in the ministry serving as pastor, leader, missionary, evangelist, etc…  It’s simply a heart check-up.  ♥

Much Love!

Beauty 4 Ashes 24/7 YouTube Channel! Click Here!

When I was 14….a promise…now fulfilled


When I was a 14 year old girl, awkward and full of self-questioning, I was attending a Sunday School Class at church.

As I sat there the speaker asked all of us students a simple question:

“How many of you are praying for your future spouse?”

We all got sheepishly bashful and at the same time deeply perplexed by his inquisition.

We all looked around, and even looking down to the floor to avoid being seen.

Not one student raised their hands.

He explained how important it was that we not only pray FOR a future mate, but that we should be specifically praying for them….for their spirit, for their soul, for their family, for their future, for their relationship with God, etc…

And for whatever reason, I was gripped by this message.

So, from that day onward I began to pray DAILY for this future husband of mine.

And shortly later it hit me….”Why don’t I also pray for our future children.”

I know…14 years old…cray cray thinking, right?!?!

So as I prayed, God spoke.

He told me that I would have a son and I was to name him “Christian.”
And he told me that I would have a daughter and to name  her “Hope.”

Being very faith-filled even back then, I believed.

So daily praying I did for my husband and my two children.

Years later, in 2009,  I  married my husband.

We then had two miscarriages.

“Hey, God…um….don’t you remember your promise?  About Hope and Chrisitian?”

I then did get pregnant for our son, Christian, in 2012 (and he is now 5 1/2).

We then had three more miscarriages.

“Hey God…um…don’t you remember your promise?  About Hope?  What about her?”

We then were infertile to the point of medication not working, procedures coming back clear with no reasonable cause.

What now?

Through the process I hit major breakdowns, major temper tantrums, and beyond.

“God, I don’t understand.”

So then I started attending Celebrate Recovery (a 12-step program) to heal my brokenness of grieving but also the apparent brokenness of a promise.

Through Celebrate Recovery I learned that:
1) I am not God
2) I will never be God
3) I might as well accept 1 and 2

I had peace and gratitude in my heart for our one living child out of 6 pregnancies.  We donated, gave away, or sold nearly all of our baby items.   I moved on.

I never gave up hoping for Hope, but I let go of the obsession and the possessive attitude.

The problem was I was holding on to a promise but I was not holding onto God.

The promise became my God.  It became “my must have, my want, my need” rather than God Himself.

I had been bowing down to an idol in the form of an infant daughter….instead of bowing down to the infinite God.

Now in 2018 I find myself miraculously pregnant for the 7th time.  Half way through.  With nevertheless, a baby girl, Miss Hope.

Because of Celebrate Recovery I have learned how to be thankful for all of my prior pregnancies (living or not).  I have grown.  I have changed.  I have become more like Jesus through a very hard….beyond hard….journey.

And here I sit with a baby kicking away inside of me and it has nothing to do with me.

I am just the house through which God is going to bring through a masterpiece of His own design.

I had a journey to go through.  A learning journey.  A journey of trust.  A journey of letting go.  A journey of total surrender.  A journey of humility.

A journey of GRATITUDE not ATTITUDE.

What about you today?

What promise are you holding onto that has become a God in your life?

What are you obsessing over rather than giving up control to the true God?

Your health?
Your career?
Your family?

And you know what gets me the most about this pregnancy?

I am so humbled and amazed that God would speak to me….at 14 years old…about my future husband and children so specifically.  I heard Him.  He spoke.  But He also fulfilled every promise.  Now 22 years later….a fulfillment is happening!

Hebrews 10:23 “Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.”

Don’t let hope become an idol.  While it is good to hope, hope should never become the God in your life.  Surrender the promise.  Surrender that future.

Then sit back and be utterly amazed at the workmanship of God.

Much Love!

Beauty 4 Ashes 24/7 YouTube Channel! Click Here!

Pregnancy Lessons about God

Updated Hand

Now very very close to my 20 week half-way mark in this miraculous pregnancy (after 5 miscarriages), I am excited to announce that we are having a………..

♥ ♥ ♥ GIRL ♥ ♥ ♥

Through this pregnancy I have learned so much.

Although this is my 7th pregnancy, the lesson I am learning is powerful.

After an exciting ultrasound, I realized that this baby should never worry about a thing in my womb.  She should only be at peace.

She often gets startled by sounds, by pressure on my belly, by warmth.

I often say “baby girl, relax”.

And then it hit me.

Just as this baby is being knit together in my womb and has absolutely nothing to fear, nothing to be anxious over, nothing to over think….neither should I.

I am hidden inside the love of my Father God.

I am held by Him.  I am cradled by Him.  I am nurtured by Him.

His Spirit feeds me.  His presence is my protection.

I am learning the value of resting in the “Be Still and Know that I am God”.

“Be Still and Know that I am your Papa.”

“I got you.”
“All you need is in Me.”
“I am your source for EVERYTHING.”
“You need nothing that I can’t provide.”


So, I am learning to be in utero inside God’s firm care….at rest.

What a warm, full, lack-free place to dwell.

Hope you find this thought provoking and even peace-giving to your busy and perhaps stressful lives.

Much Love!

Beauty 4 Ashes 24/7 YouTube Channel! Click Here!

Mental Health Month: More than Awareness

Mental Health Month

Thanks to Sue at “My Loud Bipolar Whispers…hope” for sharing my life story!

Check out her blog site here at: My Loud Bipolar Whispers

The Month of May is Mental Health Awareness Month.

My main source of Mental Illness came from stuffing and denying GRIEF.

We are all taught to take our time through the grieving process.  But what happens to the person who denies that the whole thing ever even happened?  Do you still tell them to take their time?

I am thankful for one special friend, Kathy, who taught me to face grief head on and to acknowledge it straight on.  Because of her loving push, I am alive today and healthy.  I might not be alive today without her push.

Be a good friend.  Don’t let “deniers” get too comfortable in “taking their time”.  Push if you have to…but do it in love.

Consider your own Mental Health this month.

But also consider the Mental Health of others around you.

Be aware and don’t be silent…fearful of what to say.

Be more than just simply “aware” be “ACTIVE” in their life.  Speak up.  Love.

Others need YOU right now.  They might not be alive tomorrow without your caring influence.

Much Love!

Beauty 4 Ashes 24/7 YouTube Channel! Click Here!

Welcome New Followers!

I just amazed that anyone would be interested in my writing…. let alone 80 of you. Others have always told me that I have a gift for writing but I never believed them. This is such an encouraging thing for me! And I can promise you it does not come from a place of pride or arrogance. I am extremely humbled. ♡

While not trying to seek approval, it sure is nice to know that others are appreciating my writings. It encourages me to keep writing…. even on days when I don’t feel like it.

If you feel like my blogs or blog site would be helpful for friends or family, please feel free to share!

My blogs are primarily geared towards helping people through recovery (such as through Celebrate Recovery, the 12-step program), Christian encouragements, eating disorders, infertility, miscarriage, and childhood abuse.

Thanks for tuning in each day!

Much Love!


Beauty 4 Ashes 24/7 YouTube Channel! Click Here!

May. Spring. A Fresh Start.

Spring Bloom

Hello May.  Hello Spring.  Hello Flowers.


Spring infers newness.  Freshness.  New creation.  Death gone.  Hibernation gone.

Hello flowers.  Hello birds.  Hello lawn mower.

You say goodbye…I say hello.

Beetles “You Say Goodbye…I Say Hello” YouTube Link

Sitting here listening to my favorite Beetles song cheers me up.

Just as I anticipate Spring after a long Winter each year, I also look forward to the anticipation of Spiritual Newness.

I don’t want to be stuck in a Spiritual Winter.  I want new.  I want fresh.  I want life to the full.

Isaiah 43:19 says “ See, I am doing a new thing!  Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?  I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”

I am ready for newness with God.

I will not settle for old stale manna.  I want the daily freshness of His Spirit.

Are you ready for newness?

Or are you settling for same ole’ same ole’?

Much Love!

P.S.  Have fun and watch the Beetle’s Link again!  Happy Spring Everyone!

Beauty 4 Ashes 24/7 YouTube Channel! Click Here!

Self-Permission Leads to Destruction


I, Karen, give myself permission to: ______________________________

We all do it.  We give ourselves permission to “XYZ”.

We give ourselves permission to:
-be angry
-be selfish
-“act” religious
-judge others
-act upon temptations
-live in unforgiveness
-spend money
-eat beyond feeling full
-starve ourselves
-hurt others
-put ourselves first
-compare and be jealous
-be lazy
-misrepresent ourselves
-hide the truth
-hide our faults
-stuffing in the grief
-live in depression
-live in anxiety
-live in fear
-live in frustration
-live in denial

And the list goes on.

But I’ve learned one thing through my own personal journey, the more I give MYSELF permission, the less permission I give to GOD.

John 3:30 “He must become greater; I must become less.”

Letting myself take the lead as “Boss” never results to anything good.

I’ve tried.  Oh, how I’ve tried!!!

I am “learning” (actively learning) that letting God be “Boss” is way better.  And I end up less hurt and annoyed.  I can be at peace.  No more striving.  Just resting.

I finally get to be a “child” again.  Resting in my loving Papa’s arms.  He gets to be the parent.  He gets to make choices for my good.  He gets to live through me.  And I get to enjoy life.  What a great plan!

So I am trying to give myself less permission to act upon fleshly mindsets.

And I see that Jesus is loving others through me in the process.

What a deal!

Are you still giving yourself permission to live “XYZ”?
How is that working for you?

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 says “19 Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;20 you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.”

Much Love!

Beauty 4 Ashes 24/7 YouTube Channel! Click Here!

Incubators of “animosity”


Women can be incubators of children.  Some can’t at all.  Some seem to be rapid multipliers.  As you know my story, I definitely struggled in this area.

Yet, just as women tend to incubate children, we also have a tendency to incubate other things.

Have you ever noticed (in general) that men process things differently than women.

Boys when they fight they will punch it out and they are over it.  My son can literally be “over” his anger within minutes.  And by morning, there will be no recollection of the ordeal whatsoever.

Whereas us girls fight emotionally (we fight dirty…we gossip, we withhold, we ignore, we resent) and hold grudges for many many years….or maybe even for a lifetime.

Knowing this, I personally have to keep “tabs” on my emotional well-being and my ability to “let go” and to “forgive”.

Why hold on to things for a lifetime?  Is it worth it to carry around all that gunk?

Am I “pregnant” with animosity and resentment?

It’s time to give birth and get this unforgiveness OUT!

In Celebrate Recovery (12 step recovery program) we are taught that we need to let go.  We need to stop stuffing and to stop incubating hurts.

Incubated hurts lead to unhealthy habits and hang-ups….and destroyed relationships.

Ask yourself these questions:
Q:  How long have I been incubating these hurts?
Q:  For how many more years am I willing to incubate these hurts?

I’ll leave you to that!

Right there with you, dearest friends.

Much Love!

Beauty 4 Ashes 24/7 YouTube Channel! Click Here!

Visitor, Tenant, or Resident


I am cleaning the house vigorously for our family member to come for a visit this weekend.  Extra laundry, dusting, sweep, beds made up fancily, vacuuming, bathroom cleanings….everything!  I love visitors but the work involved can be overwhelming.

Not so with a resident family member.  After awhile, you get used to the daily messes of dishes, laundry, messy beds, dirty toilets (boys in the home), etc…  You can simply be the real and genuine you without all the fuss of extra cleaning.  Sure, daily maintenance is important, but not all the extra frills that come for visitors and guests.

I’ve seen all three kinds of “Dwellers” through the years.  Maybe four.

First Kind:
These are the people who never come to visit.  Either no relationship at all or else a very distant one by phone or social media.

Second Kind:
Guest or Visitor.  You clean extra special for them.  Hair done nicely.  Make the home as neat as you possibly can.  You treat them to extra goodies or meals out.  You host them.  However, there is a known fact that they will be leaving.

Third Kind:
Tenant.  (Not to knock renters, as I had been one before).  These people have no firm obligation to stay.  Temporary.  Short term.  They do not care if the place they stay lasts a lifetime.  No legacy of memories made.  Just an in-between stop on the journey of life.

Fourth Kind:
Resident.  Owner.  In for the long-haul.  Not leaving.  Signed the deed.  Attained a mortgage.  These people make memories here.  They decorate for the holidays.  They have a mailbox on their property.  Firm.  Unwavering.

This very simple reminder of our family member coming reminds me of our relationship with God.

First Kind:
Never come to God.  Stay far away from Him.  Either ignore Him or outright push Him away.

Second Kind:
Just a guest at a Christmas or Easter service.  They may visit a family member’s child sing at a church event.  They may go to appease their mother or grandmother.  No heart connect.  Just obligation.

Third Kind:
They play house but not actually taking up residence.  They don’t want the full life commitment.  They want God when they’re in need, in trouble, or need rescuing.  I have seen this time and time again after tragedies such as 9/11, the Boston Marathon, etc…  People run to churches.  And then once they have relief, they go back to normal living.  Without God.  When a health issue arises, people run to God and others for prayer.  When there is a death, a pastor is called at a near by church for assistance with grief and the service.  Again, just a season, not a lifetime.  At best, a Sunday morning church service is enough for these types.

Fourth Kind:
These are the ones who are in it for the long-haul.  Fully committed.  Fully surrendered.  Not turning back.  Not playing games.  Not just looking for a life-fix or out of obligation.  They have a relationship not just a religious experience with God.  A daily encounter with Jesus.  Not a Sunday visitor.  A daily home-maker with God.

Which are you?

It’s okay to be honest.

There is no judgement from me.  I used to be in all four of these places in one time of my life.  I have learned that once I discovered who Jesus was (beyond religion and theology), I wanted to make my home in His arms.  I played the “stay away” type.  I played the “I’ll visit out of obligation” type.  I played the “I’ll do Sundays and pretend to be religious” type.  But now, no more playing.  I’m a resident in the home of God.

Do you want to be finally….home?

If so, I want to welcome you.  It’s a warm and loving and accepting (Just as you are) place to be.

Try it out and see. What could you possibly loose?

Much Love!

Beauty 4 Ashes 24/7 YouTube Channel! Click Here!

Embracing “Me”


When I was a child and even into my 20’s I desired to be who everyone else wanted me to be.  I’d dress like everyone else.  Talk like everyone else.  Act like everyone else.  I even morphed my laugh to laugh like everyone else (the cute girly giggle).  Never ever truly liking myself at all.

Now nearly 36 years old I have finally arrived at liking the real me.  Who God created me to be.  Not the world-influenced version of me.

2017 became the year to learn how to like and love myself.  Hard task after abuse and heavy let downs in life.

Undergoing a new transformation inside and out took place in Celebrate Recovery (12 Step Recovery Program).  I needed to address some very deep wounds in order to get to where I am today.

I have not arrived.  I guess I am merely beginning.

I no longer “care” about pleasing others.  I no longer “care” about being their rescuer or their source of strength.  I no longer dwell in the land of co-dependency.  That in itself was the biggest hurdle.

The real Karen is:
-Extrovert at times
-Enjoys the boring lifestyle
-Enjoys being with family than anyone else
-Deep and contemplative
-Joyful and youthful
-Crafty and Organized
-Even-Keel (not easily given into emotional waves)
-Naturally pretty (wavy hair, make-up free)
-Enjoys being home rather than out
-Overcomer vs. Victim
-Enjoys positive words by others
-Repelled by negative words by others
-Love simplicity: cooking real meals, gardening, housewife

Our family motto is “Let’s be a boring family”.

Not in the sense that we are a boring family.  But we gravitate (on purpose) to the drama-free, the simple, our home is a refuge lifestyle.

We don’t overwhelm our schedules with running here and running there.  Soccer practice, ballet, swim, tennis lessons, baseball, basketball, footfall, choir, band, church, church gatherings, work, travels, guys night out, girls night out, shopping, etc…

Not that any of those things are bad.  Just doing them all at the same time is.

We choose one activity to be involved in.  Right now our son is in swimming.  That’s enough. (Besides church of course).

I think we live too much in a “have a full schedule” world that we loose focus of us.

When I was in my 20’s I craved a full schedule.  Every day something.  Every evening something.  I was involved in every ministry possible.  Every meeting, every gathering.  I was there.  I realized one day that I only felt self-value when people needed me.  When my schedule was full.


I had value even if I had nothing planned for my entire week!  I didn’t need a busy calendar to make me feel cherished.

For our family, it is like a vacation everyday.

Not that there aren’t bumps in the road (goodness our family has been put through the ringer) but at least we embrace mental, physical, emotional, social, and spiritual health.

For many of you who are chronically alone in your home, this may not be the right thing for you.  You are already too home-bound.  Get out.  Explore.  Have real face time with people.  Get off of social media and get out there and actually “be” social.  Go for a walk.  Have coffee or a meal with a friend. Make new friends.  Get signed up for classes you might enjoy.  Serve at a church service.  Be present in life.

As for our family, we daily try to walk in the Fruit of the Spirit (and not walk in the ways of the flesh).

Galatians 5:22-23 says “22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control….”

Who is the real you?  What are you like?

Are you living for others?  Or are you learning to embrace the real you?

You should not be like me just as I should not be like you.

I would be a real jerk if I told you to do things my way.  How foolish!

So what works best for you?  What do you need to change in order to be “happier, healthier, and free from stress”?  Do you need to cut out some activities?  Do you need to get off social media?  Do you need to get out of the house more?

Be real.  Be you.

As for me, I am giving myself permission to not blog everyday…this pregnant mommy needs rest and lots of it!  ♥

Much Love!

Beauty 4 Ashes 24/7 YouTube Channel! Click Here!